Well, I figured it out.
I can make pie crust.
This could be dangerous my friends, because all I want to do is make pie. I dream of pie. Peach pie, raspberry pie, blueberry, cherry, lemon meringue, banana cream, Kentucky bourbon pecan, key lime, blackberry, strawberry, coconut cream, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Anyways, I might as well buy an extra large house dress and change my name to Marie.
Callender, that is.
Surely I will never fit into my jeans again.
*Warning* There is an insane number of pictures in this post.
Here is the recipe that worked for me.
4 cups all purpose flour
1 3/4 cup shortening (you probably call that oleo if you are over 70 years old)
3 tablespoons white sugar
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup water
Add the sugar and salt to the flour and whisk it together.
Plunk in your congealed globs of solid fat.
I didn’t have enough of the plain Crisco sticks so I had to use part of a butter flavored one. You can see it in there, an unearthly shade of greasy yellow.
Best kitchen implement is your hand. Feel free to use a pastry cutter if you have one, but be warned that it is not nearly as fun as using your hands.
Plus a pastry cutter is, like, twelve dollars on Amazon (I just looked) and your hand is free.
Whisk your egg and water together.
Add it to the crumbly goodness….
Cover it with plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge for 1/2 an hour or so.
While your dough is chilling (literally) in the fridge, start on the guts.
Ummmm. Yes, that is a Muppets glass full of sangria in the background.
Pie making can be stressful.
I subbed 3 peaches for 3 of the apples because I love them. I love their sweet fleshy, orangey-ness.
An I didn’t have enough for an entire peach pie.
I bought some more yesterday, so I think there is a peach pie in the very near future.
Stomach flesh, please accept my apologies for the tight denim that will be digging into you tomorrow.
Slice them pretty thin and try to keep the slices evenly proportioned.
Douse them in cinnamon.
Look at that! Doesn’t that make your heart beat a little bit faster?
Melt your butter.
Get your crust and your magic rolling pin ready to go.
It’s hard to gauge the thickness. You want it thin, but not so thin that you can’t peel it up off the counter.
And you have to keep an eye on the butter at the same time because burnt butter is big fat no fun.
The multitasking was starting to stress me out, so I poured another big glass of sangria.
Just keep this on low while you finish the crust.
Ok. So, the sangria was kicking in and I was really getting the hang of this crust thing.
The lattice work presented a challenge.
I eventually conquered it. On to glass of sangria number three.
In case you are wondering, I devoted about 2 hours to making this pie.
Totally worth the time.
Pour carefully into the gaps.
You want it all to go into the guts and not leak over the edges onto your counter because,
1.) It is crucial to the pie guts and
2.) It is too hot to lick off the counter and if you tried you could seriously damage your tongue a’la Flick from A Christmas Story.
It needs to bake for an hour, so now is a good time to check your ice cream inventory.
You complete me.
Amazing Apple Pie
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water, white sugar and brown sugar, and bring to a boil. Reduce temperature and let simmer.
Place the bottom crust in your pan. Fill with apples, mounded slightly. Cover with a lattice work of crust. Gently pour the sugar and butter liquid over the crust. Pour slowly so that it does not run off.
Bake 15 minutes in the preheated oven. Reduce the temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Continue baking for 35 to 45 minutes, until apples are soft.